So Iceman Parsons was a proven veteran with loads of charisma, a man who came to prominence as a face and would later develop into a devious heel. These qualities made him a favorite with Bill Watts, who valued adaptability in his wrestlers. Parsons had two signature moves. He would use his head butt to soften up his opponents, and would finish off with the "butt butt," so named by North Texas University professor emeritus and former WCCW announcer Bill Mercer. Iceman would throw his opponent into the ropes, and hit him with his posterior on the rebound. Devastating-and I'm not talking about Akbar's crew.

Iceman Parsons' charisma was evident during his interviews. The Rock must have been a fan, because the Scorpion King's "Rooty Poot"  catchphrase originated with Parsons. He would often carry his corresponding Rooty Poot stick. Sporting dreadlocks on a mostly bald head, hailing from St. Louis at 235 pounds, and usually wearing a flashy ring jacket, Iceman knew how to make an impression. His initial UWF appearances involved his participation in the UWF/PWI Tournament. In a first round match, Iceman was downed by his old nemesis Buddy Roberts.

"At a minimum you're guarded
At a weird Russian party.
Where they blackmail the artists,
And horde the Bacardi"

"Sasha Goes Too Far/It Could be the Nights," by the Mendoza Line.

The Mendoza Line is a baseball term applied to hitters who's batting average is so low it's on the verge of determining if they're really worth the space they take up (somewhere about .215) and is attributed to shortstop Mario Mendoza, who played with the Pirates, Mariners and Rangers promotions from 1974 through 1982. The Mendoza Line has become baseball/ESPNSpeak for the dividing line between a mediocre and a lousy hitter.

I don't think Gustavo Mendoza's winning percentage ever hit the Mendoza Line. Brett Sawyer, Ted DiBiase, Perry "Action" Jackson, Steve Williams, Chavo Guerrero, Bobby Perez, Gary Young, Joe Savoldi, Koko Ware-all defeated the hapless Cuban (well, Gustavo MAY have pinned Perez). He also tagged with Joe Malcolm in an unsuccessful attempt to wrest the UWF Tag Team Titles from the Fantastics.

Am I making fun of ol' Gustavo? Nope. I have been watching UWF tapes reminding me of how Bill Watts typecast his villains without fail. Mendoza "hailed" from Cuba, using a camouflage jacket as ring attire. Gustavo even came outfitted with a thick beard (any resemblance to Fidel Castro was coincidental, I'm sure) and cigar (ditto). The Evil Foreigner-be it a Russian, a Cuban, or a Libyan-was not fated for many trips to the pay window in the UWF.

Gustavo Mendoza showed up in the UWF during the spring of 1986, when the promotion was morphing from its Mid South roots into a Universal incarnation. The first big impression he made was somewhat dubious-well, at least for Gustavo. Bill Watts and Eddie Gilbert had a segment in the ring where Gilbert had promised to renounce his Hammer & Sickle flag waving, pinko commie sympathizer ways. Well, we know what happened next. Eddie Gilbert had Hot Stuff International, along with Ivan & Nikita Koloff, attack the Cowboy. Watts was buried under the Russian flag, and it accelerated, into hyperdrive, the UWF's hottest feud ever.

After Jim Ross had quit hyperventilating and Bill Watts was carried out of the ring, the next match was ready to go. Its participants were Watts protege Steve "Dr. Death" Williams and-drum roll please-Gustavo Mendoza. Mendoza had about as much of a chance in this setting as a PETA activist does at a Ted Nugent concert. Williams was even meaner looking than usual as he glowered across the ring at Mendoza. To say the match was a squash does a disservice to the word. Gustavo was battered mercilessly and finally power slammed to go down to an inglorious defeat. However, no one can say Mendoza didn't lack concentration and tenacity in the face of such a whipping-his cigar never left his mouth! The stogie was bent, but unmoved. Mendoza's sometime tag partner the Libyan maintained his dental grip on a stogie when faced with a similar butt kicking by Jim Duggan some weeks later.

I never knew Libya and Cuba were allies, but in Watts' World the Libyan and Gustavo Mendoza were indeed a tag team on occasion. They even received a televised Tag Team Title shot against the Fantastics. Another notable Mendoza moment came during his match against Koko Ware. As far as I can tell, Ware was Mendoza's only real running feud while in the UWF. The defining moment happened when Koko nailed Gustavo with a vicious dropkick that the UWF would subsequently use as part of its opening television theme.

Dusty Wolfe has reassured us that Gustavo Mendoza was not from Cuba, but instead came from, and returned to, Puerto Rico. Evidently his stay in the UWF constituted the only significant stint he had with a United States wrestling promotion.

Oh yeah, the match. It was a memorable affair, with Iceman Parsons getting in lots of offense and Gustavo Mendoza playing the comic, yet not foolish, heel to the hilt. The high point came when Parsons delivered a series of head butts to a staggering, swooning Mendoza. The last one produced a flop from Gustavo that would have made Ric Flair proud. Iceman hit his "butt butt" finisher, and the match was over.

Gustavo Mendoza made a few appearances in the UWF after this match.

"Your big daddy's got no place to stay
Bad communication
I feel like the president of the USA

Mr. Bad Guy
Yes I'm everybody's Mr. Bad Guy."

"Mr. Bad Guy," by Freddie Mercury.

What a minute, buster. No Cuban would ever be president of Bill Watts' America. In any event, Gustavo disappeared from UWF's cards by the beginning of 1987.  While Gustavo Mendoza was leaving, gone but not forgotten on the Kayfabe Memories UWF Message Board, Iceman Parsons was just getting started in the company. Iceman would later turn heel and be involved in a hot angle with the UWF Tag Team titles as well as a feud with Savannah Jack. More on those in future installments.

"Come on and catch the vibe
Cuz the sky's the limit .
An' I'll never quit makin' hits
So get on down with the program.
So you know the Ice won't steer you wrong.

Ain't no party like an Ice Man party
Ain't no party like an Ice Man party
Ain't no party like an Ice Man party"

"Iceman Party," by Vanilla Ice.

You want to bet that before he was V. Ice, that Dallas native Robbie Van Winkle spent a fair amount of time watching WCCW? Coincidence? Hmmm.

Well, that's it for this time. A piece designed around a midcard UWF match and featuring quotes from a washed up rapper, Freddie Mercury's only solo album, and an indy band named after a baseball term referencing a light-hitting shortstop. Can it get any more esoteric or obscure than this? There's always next month.

Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings. Special thanks to Gjm23 for sending in an explanation of what Boxing Day is really all about. As usual, please feel free to send any comments, suggestions or questions to me at CL11@swt.edu. Extra special thanks to VinceKM for extending my deadline.

Until next time, take care.

NEXT MONTH:

More than one match. I promise.